I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
