I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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