I accidentally had phone sex last night
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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