well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
