Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
