You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
