well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
