she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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