A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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