But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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