Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
