FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
if only i could text you this smell
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
