This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
