I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
