operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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