the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
