I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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