oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
