When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
