I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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