Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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