peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
