Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
my sisters under your porch take her home
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
