Your mouth is God's brothel.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
