it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
