I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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