Welp...herpes.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
