just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
