I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
