Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
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