My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
