So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Randomize
