Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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