Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i love accidental penises.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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