I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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