Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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