i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
