I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
