I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
