I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
