I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
