So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I just googled if crying burns calories
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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