I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
