Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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