just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
