this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
