I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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