she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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