My room smells like vodka and shame
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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