I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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