She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
