not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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