Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
