I swear she didn't look like that last week.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
