Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
