Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
