Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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