I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
