A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
