I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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