i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
