Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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