my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
